New Life, New Start
I didn't realise it had been 3 years since I last wrote on here. This used to be my saviour, the place I would let my thoughts flow. Yet over the years I lost my buzz, I lost how to form the written word. I knew who was reading this & began to fear what I could & couldn't write. Which is silly as this was my page & surely as a writer I had every right to write what & how I felt.
No the coward in me became to strong & I gave up. I gave up my passion, my hobby. I bowed down to those who scared me most.
Well not today, if they are still reading this then you will get to hear a lot from me & I will go into detail about how I suffered & what I went through. There is no more hiding for me.
So to update everyone that may still read this & to the new readers out there:
I'm no longer married. That's the first big milestone. I went through a divorce before I hit the big 3 0. I had been married for 3 years, together for 4 years. Why did I finally pluck up the courage to leave? Actually I do not know. I just woke one morning & thought I can not go on with this....looking at myself in the mirror & seeing a black eye staring back at me probably helped.
You see I was a victim of domestic violence. I had been suffering in silence for too long & the longer I allowed it to continue, the worse it became. I knew that one day I would probably be dead. I knew that if I didn't leave I would not survive more years of the abuse.
I suffered in silence & felt that no one would listen or care if I spoke out about it. I painted a rosy picture that was far from rosy. Yet when I left my family started telling me they knew something was wrong, but they didn't realise how bad it was. They admitted that they didn't want to say anything in case I ran further away from them.
They were probably right. I would have sunk further into myself & they would have lost me to a devil.
Over further posts I will go into detail about the fear I lived through, the isolation, the torture of hating yourself & believing you were the one in the wrong, the moment of realisation & the escape where the doors opened to a new life. In writing about those days, hours & minutes I hope to give others encouragement & to let them know they are not alone.
My life has now changed for the better. I am finally free of the old me & a new me has sprung to life. So much so that I am in a new relationship & we are expecting our first child. Life for me couldn't be happier or more settled.
No the coward in me became to strong & I gave up. I gave up my passion, my hobby. I bowed down to those who scared me most.
Well not today, if they are still reading this then you will get to hear a lot from me & I will go into detail about how I suffered & what I went through. There is no more hiding for me.
So to update everyone that may still read this & to the new readers out there:
I'm no longer married. That's the first big milestone. I went through a divorce before I hit the big 3 0. I had been married for 3 years, together for 4 years. Why did I finally pluck up the courage to leave? Actually I do not know. I just woke one morning & thought I can not go on with this....looking at myself in the mirror & seeing a black eye staring back at me probably helped.
You see I was a victim of domestic violence. I had been suffering in silence for too long & the longer I allowed it to continue, the worse it became. I knew that one day I would probably be dead. I knew that if I didn't leave I would not survive more years of the abuse.
I suffered in silence & felt that no one would listen or care if I spoke out about it. I painted a rosy picture that was far from rosy. Yet when I left my family started telling me they knew something was wrong, but they didn't realise how bad it was. They admitted that they didn't want to say anything in case I ran further away from them.
They were probably right. I would have sunk further into myself & they would have lost me to a devil.
Over further posts I will go into detail about the fear I lived through, the isolation, the torture of hating yourself & believing you were the one in the wrong, the moment of realisation & the escape where the doors opened to a new life. In writing about those days, hours & minutes I hope to give others encouragement & to let them know they are not alone.
My life has now changed for the better. I am finally free of the old me & a new me has sprung to life. So much so that I am in a new relationship & we are expecting our first child. Life for me couldn't be happier or more settled.
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Good to see you're gonna be writing again. I'm still subscribed. :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you're in a better place. I used to have this niggling feeling that something was wrong, but from my own experiences, I have learned people will talk when ready. We can't force someone to take action, they have to do it all on their own. Don't let the worries silence you. It's hard because I know EXACTLY where you're coming from, but speaking from the heart, getting it out, it's healing. :-)
Thank you Kim :-) I wanted to talk so many times but something always stopped me. Sorry I didn't talk to you at the time.
DeleteIt's definitely going to help me heal & learn that I never have to experience it again.