I didn't realise it had been 3 years since I last wrote on here. This used to be my saviour, the place I would let my thoughts flow. Yet over the years I lost my buzz, I lost how to form the written word. I knew who was reading this & began to fear what I could & couldn't write. Which is silly as this was my page & surely as a writer I had every right to write what & how I felt.
No the coward in me became to strong & I gave up. I gave up my passion, my hobby. I bowed down to those who scared me most.
Well not today, if they are still reading this then you will get to hear a lot from me & I will go into detail about how I suffered & what I went through. There is no more hiding for me.
So to update everyone that may still read this & to the new readers out there:
I'm no longer married. That's the first big milestone. I went through a divorce before I hit the big 3 0. I had been married for 3 years, together for 4 years. Why did I finally pluck up the courage to leave? Actually I do not know. I just woke one morning & thought I can not go on with this....looking at myself in the mirror & seeing a black eye staring back at me probably helped.
You see I was a victim of domestic violence. I had been suffering in silence for too long & the longer I allowed it to continue, the worse it became. I knew that one day I would probably be dead. I knew that if I didn't leave I would not survive more years of the abuse.
I suffered in silence & felt that no one would listen or care if I spoke out about it. I painted a rosy picture that was far from rosy. Yet when I left my family started telling me they knew something was wrong, but they didn't realise how bad it was. They admitted that they didn't want to say anything in case I ran further away from them.
They were probably right. I would have sunk further into myself & they would have lost me to a devil.
Over further posts I will go into detail about the fear I lived through, the isolation, the torture of hating yourself & believing you were the one in the wrong, the moment of realisation & the escape where the doors opened to a new life. In writing about those days, hours & minutes I hope to give others encouragement & to let them know they are not alone.
My life has now changed for the better. I am finally free of the old me & a new me has sprung to life. So much so that I am in a new relationship & we are expecting our first child. Life for me couldn't be happier or more settled.
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