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Thursday, 16 July 2015

Survivor

Yes I am a survivor. When you can walk away from any form of domestic violence, then you are a survivor. It proves that you are strong even when you are being told constantly that you are weak. It proves that you know what is normal behaviour even though you are lead to believe the words & pain are normal & it proves that you honour yourself too much to let it continue.

You see when it starts you think to yourself  'OK that will not happen again', you're even told 'I'm sorry I didn't mean it, it will never happen again'. But then it does happen again & suddenly you don't know what to do or who to go to for help/advice. You have gone from someone who will share everything to keeping this big secret that slowly eats away at you. You find yourself not trusting others & that you have to protect your other half, as this is not the real them.

This is what happened to me. The first time wasn't a tiny slap, it was a full on fight over an email. I had already started to be controlled by having to hand over all my login details to my accounts. I was made to delete my social media sites, being told 'if you love me then you'll do this for me'. My life quickly vanished & in it's place became a new made up version of me. I bowed down to it all because I felt I had no choice.

So an email arrived one afternoon & after being out drinking all day it ended with a proper fight that left me bruised, shaken & our flat in a mess. I walked out but realised I had no where to go...why? Because i was afraid to tell someone why i needed to leave. I didn't want to be that person that had been punched, kicked, slapped all evening with the bruises to prove it. I wanted to be the person who was starting a new relationship where it was suppose to be romantic & loving. So I went back to him.

I was promised it would never happen again, that it was unlike him & that he loved me very much. I believed him, why wouldn't I not believe him? I knew this wasn't him deep down, this was a man who was drunk & turned on me. So I stayed.

Then it happened again. I knew then this would keep happening. Yet I still chose to stay. I have no idea why I chose to stay, I will never in a million years understand my decision at that point in time but to be honest it was the worse mistake of my life & even a few months later when I married him I knew I would never be happy again.


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