Survivor

Yes I am a survivor. When you can walk away from any form of domestic violence, then you are a survivor. It proves that you are strong even when you are being told constantly that you are weak. It proves that you know what is normal behaviour even though you are lead to believe the words & pain are normal & it proves that you honour yourself too much to let it continue.

You see when it starts you think to yourself  'OK that will not happen again', you're even told 'I'm sorry I didn't mean it, it will never happen again'. But then it does happen again & suddenly you don't know what to do or who to go to for help/advice. You have gone from someone who will share everything to keeping this big secret that slowly eats away at you. You find yourself not trusting others & that you have to protect your other half, as this is not the real them.

This is what happened to me. The first time wasn't a tiny slap, it was a full on fight over an email. I had already started to be controlled by having to hand over all my login details to my accounts. I was made to delete my social media sites, being told 'if you love me then you'll do this for me'. My life quickly vanished & in it's place became a new made up version of me. I bowed down to it all because I felt I had no choice.

So an email arrived one afternoon & after being out drinking all day it ended with a proper fight that left me bruised, shaken & our flat in a mess. I walked out but realised I had no where to go...why? Because i was afraid to tell someone why i needed to leave. I didn't want to be that person that had been punched, kicked, slapped all evening with the bruises to prove it. I wanted to be the person who was starting a new relationship where it was suppose to be romantic & loving. So I went back to him.

I was promised it would never happen again, that it was unlike him & that he loved me very much. I believed him, why wouldn't I not believe him? I knew this wasn't him deep down, this was a man who was drunk & turned on me. So I stayed.

Then it happened again. I knew then this would keep happening. Yet I still chose to stay. I have no idea why I chose to stay, I will never in a million years understand my decision at that point in time but to be honest it was the worse mistake of my life & even a few months later when I married him I knew I would never be happy again.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Eggs

Image
Scrambled? Fried? Sunny side up? Boiled? Poached? Omelette? Scotch egg? Oh how I despise eggs! I have never eaten them & never will eat them. The smell gets to me first, then the texture, then the sight of them looking all kind of rubbery like especially fried & boiled ones. Ewww. My family loves them though & throughout the years had tried to encourage me to at least taste them…let’s just say they never tried again! I remember my grandparents loving boiled eggs with slices of toast or fried eggs on slices of ham with chips. My mum liked hers boiled or poached & my sister would eat them anyway but especially liked omelettes. It wasn’t until I started waitressing that they really got to me. People would request omelette upon omelette or fried egg with ham upon fried egg with ham. All I saw were eggs, eggs, eggs. They taunted me as I delivered someone’s dinner that had a wobbly fried egg on top where I’d place it down with a smile on face cursing at th...
Read more

GBE2 Dancing.

Image
Dancing During my time at school (which feels like a long time ago now) I took dance as a subject. I loved it & still love it. But I no longer do it. There were always more girls than boys in the class & in fact at one point we only had 1 boy amongst about 15+ of us girls. It was unfair on him, he however loved it & actually was a good dancer. We would start by doing our stretches then we’d move on to the set pieces we either had to learn & perform in front of the others or we would study techniques of other dancers & then have to choreograph our own piece of dance. It was good fun, interesting & in the end important for our grading & exams. I continued to dance at various times…mainly when I’d had a few drinks…but I have never joined a dance class. I know I would actually feel shy dancing in front of others even after doing it for 3-4 years. I get stage fright badly & this effects the things I would love to do. Dancing being ...
Read more

Beans

Image
Beans. There are many different types of beans & in many different varieties: French bean/Green bean/Black bean/Baked bean/Soya bean etc. The soya bean is the main bean in my daily diet. I found out last year that normal dairy milk was bad for me. I had been drinking it for years but when I began to get pains & cramps in my stomach which lasted a couple of months I knew something was wrong & went to see my doctor. After keeping a food diary a food/lifestyle diary I had two answers 1. I had developed IBS 2. Milk had become my enemy. I only had milk in cups of tea & on cereal but it was really affecting me. So I changed my habits & turned to Soya Milk. At first I was dubious of it as it does taste completely different to normal milk & it looks like cream but for me it’s been a godsend as I can now have my cups of tea & my cereal without any major side effects with my condition. I’ve got used to having the Soya bean within my d...
Read more