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Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Controlling myself GBE 2


Control.

I’m trying to control myself over these next couple of days. Whilst my fiancé Dave is away from me for the first time since we’ve been together I now have to control everything.

It’s kind of strange for me to be feeling this way as a woman but it’s not like I don’t have control over nothing. However this is a slightly different feeling for me. I feel lost sitting in an empty flat & to me it feels colder & quiet…no matter how loud the TV might go. But I’m finding myself wandering around feeling a little lost. So I’m taking control.

This means amongst other things I have to remember not to forget my keys when I go outside for my naughty habit of smoking, making sure I turn all the sockets off before leaving or going to bed & the obvious of making sure all the windows are closed & locked!

I’m not saying I don’t normally check these things but when there’s two of you doing the checking & calling out to the other “have you locked the windows?” or “don’t forget your keys on the worktop.” It makes life easier. Calling out to an empty room doesn’t have the same impact as for 1. It can’t answer back or shout “your keys…your keys” as you’re walking out the door & 2. I’ll be mad if I actually talked to an empty room!

I also have to control the thought of spending the night alone in an empty bed. Do I stay on my side? Do I move over to his side? Do I sleep in the middle & create a starfish shape? Do I just relax & let my body sneak over to his side…we all know his side is the best after all.

Then there’s the thought of should I stay awake all night listening to the creaks & strange noises a flat can make? Shall I lock all the windows while I sleep & melt all night? Or should I leave them open as usual believing nothing will happen?

I think the biggest problem is knowing I won’t be stealing the duvet & snuggling myself deep in the bed whilst he is asleep beside me & giving me the rhythm to drift off into my own dreamland. Instead I’ll have control of the whole duvet & shall find myself probably not knowing how to sleep.

It sounds kind of strange I know but it’s not until your other half is away for a couple of days that you realise how much control you have as a couple over one another in a good way. How one can make the other feel safe. How you can both laugh at the tiniest silly thing or a joke, yet on your own it sounds weird. That you know someone else is there when you go out & come back & that at least one of you will double check the whole flat before sleeping or going out.

So my control over the next couple of days will be to stay sane whilst I wander on my own around an empty flat, controlling when I choose to do the washing up or the fact that I suddenly don’t need control to tuck into the stash of chocolate in the cupboard…after all everyone needs a chocolate fix once in a while (even if I end up sitting here thinking I’d better not eat this last square as I need to try my dress on again soon!)…sod it control or no control, I’ll let the empty wrapper decide! 




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