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Thursday, 9 June 2011

GBE 2 'Loosing myself.'

I actually found this topic difficult to think about. It’s probably one of the first times I have been stumped as to what to write about, I don’t think I even found it tough to write about things when given a random topic on my writing course.

I thought the usual thing with this one though: what have I lost & then perhaps found…an odd coin at the bottom of my bag that would go straight into the money jar, an old button that I have no idea which piece of clothing it now belongs too, an odd sock that has been swallowed up by the washing machine sock fairy…yes that drives me nuts too. But nope. I felt none of these ‘ideas’ fitted with what I wanted to say.

Hence the stumped feeling. Should I go for something funny? Something sad? Should I do a picture write up of things many have lost & found? Then I got to think some more…discovering that my brain was beginning to hurt from too much thinking…when I thought about the time I lost myself.

I found myself in a dark, painful place. Not knowing what I was doing day in and day out. Walking along in a strange bubble where the voices around me were a muffled mess.

This was the time I was lost in a dark cloud of depression.

When I was told I had depression I remember actually laughing. A big LOL. Me & depression didn’t go together. I was just feeling odd that’s all. I had been through a lot, but I was a hard worker with a constant smile (faked & real) plastered on my face. I wasn’t someone who suffered with this disease.

Then as I got talking to the doctor the tears came & came & came. I couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard I tried, and even cursing in my mind wouldn’t stop them. In fact it made them worse as I began to think “great I’m now talking to myself. I must be nuts!”

I walked away from my doctor thinking “that’s it I’m doomed.” The tiniest thing would set me off. A death in a soap, burning a slice of bread, spilling a drink etc. I thought I’d never be normal again.

That’s the trouble with depression. It’s always there, it’s a constant panic, it can creep up on you again at any given moment even when you think you are fine. Mine seemed to be year’s worth of crap stored in my mind weighing down on me before it finally all snapped. That’s what my counsellor thought & by talking to her over a long period of time I began to shred the crap. I discarded it bit by bit on to a person trained to deal with this kind of problem. How they separate work from life amazes me…hats of to them!

So as the years have slowly crept pass me I have felt myself grow again. I have found the ‘me’ before this all hit. The strong smiley person. Yes I still get the occasional flutter. The slight anxiety when entering a new situation but on the whole I have found myself again.

Does it still panic me that at any time I could loose myself to that grim place? Of course but I know that now more than ever I have a strong supportive network of family around me especially the one I love. If depression creeps up on me & knocks me for six then I know I will cope. Why? Because my mind & heart is filled with love that will kick the depression’s butt once & for all.

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